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Danny Kanell? Really?

December 15th, 2004

So OK, I know this at least brushes up to mean and everything, but it’s too fucking funny to resist. Here’s an email I just got by way of the link on my other blog, The Moon Hoax (which is where I posted my picks in seasons past (and, no, I’m really, really, really not making this up):

I am a die hard fan of Danny Kanell and i would like to exchange the link of my site http://www.geocities.com/dannykanellnfl2004/index1.htm with your site.
Our site information is
Title: Danny Kanell : A Great NFL player
I’ll be very happy if you could add a link back to my sites. If you’ve already linked to my website, please let me know which page of your website and i’ll make sure that your website will be listed on my site as well.
Email me at: dannykanellnfl2004@yahoo.com
Best Regards.

I love the name of that site. Danny Kanell: A Great NFL Player.

Why do I love it? Simple: because Danny Kanell is easily one of the worst quarterbacks I’ve ever seen play the pro game. He was mediocre at best in college and he’s been all but a complete bust in the NFL.

The guy played three seasons for the Giants (during which time he started 20 games), then spent two with the Falcons (two starts, eight appearances, nine interceptions), then spent two seasons doing god knows what (playing flag football in the Greater Pensacola Bar & Tavern League, probably) before the horribly desperate Broncos brought him back last season to throw two touchdowns and five picks in five games. He’s thrown 31 TDs and 34 picks over his career (which, I guess, isn’t actually over; he’s still listed on the Broncos’ roster — right after Jake Plummer, in fact — though he hasn’t taken a snap all season), and has a career passer rating of 63.2.

If this is what counts as “a great NFL player,” the folks in Canton, Ohio had better get to planning a major fucking construction project.

Now, I don’t know, maybe Danny Kanell is just an amazingly fine human being. Maybe he supports every important charity under the sun. Maybe he’s adopted 57 armless and legless orphans from all over the third world. Maybe he spends his weekdays building HUD homes with his bare hands (he must do something with his time; I can’t imagine he’s needed at practice much). And if it turns out that any of these things are true, I’ll get how someone can be a die-hard Danny Kanell fan. But the name of the site isn’t “Danny Kanell: An Incredibly Kind-Hearted Man.” And “a great NFL player” Danny, unfortunately, most decidedly ain’t.

So just who is this die-hard Danny Kanell fan I got that note from? Is it Danny’s mom, by chance? Danny’s wife? Or Danny himself? Because I can’t imagine the fan club roster goes a whole lot deeper than that.

You know when I’ll be a die-hard Danny Kanell fan? Round about Jan. 15 or 16 when, having upset the Colts or the Chargers, the Broncos make their way to Foxborough for a divisional playoff game against the Pats, and Plummer goes down in the first quarter, and they put Danny in to throw picks to Ty Law, Asante Samuel, Earthwind Moreland or whatever random fan or overachieving Patriette New England has pasted in at cornerback.

Yeah, that’s it. Right around the time Michelle Carlucci tap dances her way into the end zone for her first career TD, I’ll officially become the fourth member of the Danny Kanell fan club. Until then, I’m just gonna have myself a quiet little snicker at Danny’s expense. It won’t be the first time.

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